Better versions of myself

I was listening to Fiona Apple’s “Better Version of Me” and it got me thinking. What would be the better version of me? Who would she be, what would she be doing? Would she have a smaller nose, be on less medication, have a better voice, be less awkward? I’d say yes. Maybe, a “hell yes”. She would be smarter, harder working, more wise, caring, and active.

To be honest, with my jealousy being perhaps the worst part of me, if I met a better version of myself I would most likely resent her. In some ways my sister is a better version of me. I’m a bit more in shape, but she has the rest of the good genes, is much smarter and more likeable than I. In some ways I do resent it, but when I sit and think about it, we have our own talents. Me, for arguing, and a passion for social justice (they go hand in hand, RIGHT?), being adventurous and having a lot of passion. She, for her compassion and unending patience. At this point most of the childish resentment has grown into admiration.

Speaking of social justice, the letter I received from my pen pal on death row was so amazing. From the beginning he has been totally honest. He told me how much he has the need to feel, he told me about his childhood even, and I was so moved. I really look forward to what continues in our friendship and will most likely be a life-changing experience. It was interesting how he stated that music can depress him because it reminds him of what might have been. In a sense the Fiona Apple song did remind me of what I could have been and what I couldn’t be and what I have the potential to be. It can be a bit depressing. But at the same time, I think it something that takes a lot of thought and it is something that needs to be thought out, if only to aid my own mental health.

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